Everyone’s favorite state newspaper Global Times has stepped up to defend the Great Firewall as a good thing, and it got us thinking: Hey, maybe it’s not so bad after all!
“The websites of Time and The Economist have been blocked in China. The New York Times, with several other Western media outlets, have voiced support to each other by accusing China of blocking Western websites,” an essay posted to their website this morning states.
And this contradictory opening paragraph is just the beginning.
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“Western media have published major political reports that concern China in recent years, trying to direct the attention of Chinese society and set the discourse agenda for us,” it reads. “The Great Firewall has snuffed out such intentions.”
The piece goes on to say that once China and the West are more equal in terms of soft power, the Great Firewall may no longer be necessary.
“It has caused some inconvenience when China and the outside world try to understand each other,” the unnamed Global Times respondent admits, “but they have gradually adapted to this reality.”
Adapted to this reality, you can say that again!
We’ve not only learned to adapt, but we’ve grown to love the Great Firewall for many a reason. Here are but a few:
1. Much less time wasted on Facebook! Because it’s so damn hard to get onto Facebook, meaning you can actually get your job done rather than staring at photos of old classmate reunions that you can never attend. This leaves us much more time leftover to re-read Marx and Lenin.
2. Built-in excuse for forgetting birthdays, neglecting to “Like” the umpteenth cute baby video, or failing to reply to your ex who is stalking you: “Sorry [insert name of offended friend or relative here], my VPN was down!”
3. More to whine about to friends back at home so that people still believe you are toughing it out in a faraway and exotic land instead of admitting to spending all of your days taking taxis from Starbucks to Marks & Spencer’s, and finally to Dunkin Donuts.
4. Freedom to indulge our inner narcissistic geek/international spy fantasies as we imagine ourselves outwitting nefarious attempts to block our Instagram of yesterday’s brunch.
5. Amusing geo-targeted ads from Google, Facebook, and the Like. Our VPN connections, routed through other cities, make for amusing geo-targeted advertising as we are repeatedly shown banners for the Weekend Big Breakfast deal available at Fred’s Diner in Toledo, Ohio (only a mere 12,000 kilometers from our present location! Maybe next year …). We’re also amused by the Finnish-language commercials that precede our YouTube clips.
The Global Times has chosen an odd time to speak out about these issues given that the GFW’s creator, Fang Binxing, had a particularly embarrassing meeting five days ago at the Harbin Institute of Technology. Upon trying to access a blocked South Korean website, Fang had to resort to using his own VPN. Needless to say, he ducked out the Q&A before it even began.
He too loves the GFW – his baby – but sometimes even the parents need to call in a babysitter.
More stories by this author here.
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Photo: the Beijinger